On Friends and Friendships

IMG_5148

Good friends are difficult to find.

And yet once you find them they enrich your life infinitely.

Just now I am struck with a stark realization: I have lost many wonderful friends throughout my life, and a large part of the reason for the divide was my own fault.

Friendships are one of the things I have severely strained, if not outright sacrificed, in my pursuit of academic grandeur.

While I often think of my friends of the past and present, I rarely make the effort to stay connected with them.

It would sometimes take me a month to send a belated birthday email to a close friend. That is, if I actually remembered their birthday at all – which is rare.

It seemed that I was always occupied with something work-related, something higher on the priority list than my friendships.

But now, upon reflection, all those published manuscripts, awards, presentations, lectures, etc. pale in importance to the memories of great times shared with those closest to me.

This is just another example of how my priorities have become inverted in my young adulthood.

My regrets with regards to friendships are innumerable, but a number stand out at the moment.

My first real best friend was Tom Stawarz.

We were friends since we were kids back in Poland. We emigrated from Poland together with our parents (we drove a crème coloured 2 door Fiat, while Tom and his parents drove an orange one from Poland to Greece). When we finally ended up in Canada, Tom and I were inseparable – we talked about our grade-school crushes, we played hockey in the parking lot under our apartment building, we pretended to be radio DJ’s, we made time capsules and buried them in the nearby park – only to dig them up within weeks and reflect on how much we had changed, we got drunk for the first time together, we smoked our first cigarette and joint together, we walked to school together trying to develop our rapping skills;

“Yo, here we go.

Back to the hood.

Back to the old flippin’ hood.

We don’t go to school

Cause school ain’t cool

And our teacher is a fool”

We also had a band for a long while during those formative years. I still listen to those old tapes we recorded together of songs we wrote. Despite no formal training, Tom was a phenomenal drummer. Part of me wishes we could still jam like we had some 14 years ago.

Alas, I haven’t spoken to Tom in years.

Rob Heholt was the first friend I made in high-school. One random day, we started up a conversation while waiting for our Rossland Road bus to go back home after school. Immediately, we became fast friends, with countless road hockey games, Nintendo sessions, sleepovers that followed.

Rob was a naturally athletic guy, and he is the one who introduced me to the gym. At the time I was a bone-rack and was very self-conscious about my emaciated appearance. With Rob’s encouragement I started working out regularly after school, finally putting on a bit of muscle mass in the process. This encouragement also ignited my interest in exercise physiology and health in general – a butterfly effect that has led to my becoming a PhD in the area more than a decade later.

I had never truly appreciated this, but Rob may be the one person most responsible for me pursuing higher education.

Although Rob and I stay in touch with a few phone calls throughout the year, I must admit Rob is almost always the one to call me, not the other way around.

Of this, I am ashamed.

One of my closest friends during high-school and undergrad was Matt Sanchez, an initially shy, yet highly intelligent guy who had one of the most compatible (and thus twisted) senses of humor I have ever come across. We often fantasized about becoming writers for Saturday Night Live, and would spend many high-school classes coming up with ridiculous skit ideas, rather than doing work.

I was Matt’s best man when he married the love of his life, Dorota, some 4 years ago.

Since that time, Matt and Dorota have been blessed with two beautiful baby girls.

Unfortunately, I only know of this from Facebook.

I have yet to meet his second daughter.

And I have lived less than 2 hours away from them over the past 4 years.

This is equally shameful.

Since getting settled in Kingston, Ian Kudryk, his fiancée, Katie, and Ryan Graham and his wife, Tatianna, were some of our closest friends. The six of us had celebrated each other’s birthdays together for at least the past 2 years. They were also the friends who arranged a dinner for us to celebrate our PhD defenses and sent us off with presents for our South American trip.

The Vancouver Olympics earlier this year were a huge deal for all Canadians. The most important moment of these Olympics was the final hockey game between Canada and the US.

Our friends had gathered at Ian and Katie’s place to watch this phenomenal battle.

Unfortunately, Marina and I were in the depths of writing our theses at this time, desperately trying to finish up by a certain date in order to defend before the end of the winter semester.

Despite being invited, and even hassled by phone by our good friends, we erroneously chose to stay home to work on our theses.

We only saw the game through the highlights that flooded Canadian television over the ensuing days.

For any Canadian that was in the country at that time, the mood was absolutely electrifying and it was contagious.

Everyone was celebrating the victory with their friends and family.

It was as though we had just won a drawn out war.

And yet Marina and I were not celebrating at all.

We were working.

After mutually breaking down that same night, Marina and I swore we would NEVER AGAIN sacrifice our friends for our work – no matter how important and pressing our work may be.

To this day, I painfully regret not dropping my books and heading over to our friend’s house to watch the game.

I hope these regrets are not felt in vain, and that moving forward I stop making the same errors.

Friendships are dramatically more important than one’s career.

It is time I start putting more emphasis on the former, and less on the latter.

Peter


G Adventures

Other Adventures:

Enjoyed this post? Did you know you could get future posts delivered directly to your email inbox or RSS reader for FREE? Click here to subscribe and never miss another PhD Nomads adventure.

Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.

6 Comments

  1. Peter, that was a moving tribute to people of your past. Thank you for it.

    I suppose in the efforts we sometimes make to “be somebody” in our working lives we forget that the “somebody” it’s great to be is one who values other people and is valued by them. It’s that closeness of relationships which is the priceless thing.

    You’ve made me think there are some people I should call this weekend.

    J.

    Reply
    • Thanks for your comment, James. You’re absolutely right; it is very easy to lose track of the things that really matter in life. The rat race can have a seriously detrimental effect on the connectedness of individuals. I recently called a few friends we’ve fallen out of touch with – funny how pleasantly surprised some were to hear from us on the phone. Hope your phone calls also went well!

      Reply
    • Hi Alex! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. It is extremely hard to keep everything in perspective when you are constantly preoccupied with what always seem like incredibly important matters, but are really just busy work. You sort of have to unplug from it all, stand back, and re-evaluate every once in a while. So easy to keep running forward without seeing what’s around or what you’ve left behind.

      Reply
  2. Very insightful. Thank you for sharing! Also, as this is my first post here, thank you for creating this site. It’s nice to know there are (many) other similarly-minded people out there trying to figure it all out :)

    Reply
    • Thanks, Andrei. I’m glad you enjoyed what you read. As I just posted tonight, I’ve really been driven to examine my life on a regular basis. Ever since I came across this quote by Socrates: “An unexamined life is not worth living”, I’ve really tried to make my own worth living:) And when you have one of these epiphanies it is best to write them down – I lose track of my insights otherwise. All the very best and I hope you stop by and comment more often.

      Reply

Leave a Comment.